Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here
My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.
Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.
I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.
Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.
Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.
Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up
Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.
My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024
“what’s your ideal vacation?”
dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.
My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.
I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)