People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat
my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs
No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.
Wife:
4 firefighters show up
Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple
Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?
Check mate
Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?
If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian
I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.
there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you
My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.
My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.
Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ
Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important
The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.
There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist
It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread
I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.
