i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil
We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.
Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.
I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.
“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.
I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life
I love comics. Bank robbers will wear a full ski mask, but super heroes will wear a tiny domino mask that barely covers any of their face.
“If crooks discover my identity, they’ll kill me or kidnap my family. I have an idea! I’ll hide the bridge of my nose with this pore strip!”
*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*
7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?
Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon
12: You’re almost half a century old.
Me: Go to your room.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.
GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?
Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother
How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED(say it fast)
Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car