Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!
I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.
of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten
My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal
I got 3 miles in before breakfast.
That’s enough driving for the day
I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic
Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.
Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like
Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”
AI results, “Remove leg”
Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart
Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute
How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.
“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?
when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger
No one:
My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P