I remember when the only divisive issue in America was whether you were team werewolf guy or team vampire guy. The rhetoric got pretty heated.
My daughter was invited to a birthday party. We showed up, & the people who hosted the party weren’t even there. They cancelled the party, but didn’t notify anyone, so we all went back home. Hours later I text the family, “what time should I pick up my daughter from the party?”
The guy at the party who casually pukes on your ficus plant and keeps on talking without missing a beat is not the one you should worry about.
The smoke detector went off because the battery was low and I thought it was because the frozen pizza was done.
i just started buying stock from the market…i have chicken, beef, and vegetable…i hope that makes me a bouillonaire one day 😂😂 i love telling jokes and walking around the financial district in new york city 😝
being human is disgusting sometimes but i don’t think i’d want to be a fish
I don’t know who needs to hear this but it’s time to send me my weekly allowance for cheese
“Bag Full”. Me too vacuum. Me too.
Hanging my underwear on the line at half-mast in the remembrance of something.
Snacking is the boredom activity you can do with your pants on
well well well, if it isn’t the holiday weight i said i wouldn’t have to worry about
Have you tried being born with a trust fund about it?
The doctor asked the 3s what their favorite vegetable was at their physical today.
3B told him bananas.
3A told him cheese.
gasoline
noun: mouthwash for dragons
me: you were supposed to draw me one shape and divide it into equal shares….I see 5 cookies and…what are these?
student: dragons