Avocado pits are exceptionally useful, in some unexpected ways.
I once smuggled an avocado pit in my prison wallet when I had to go to jail for a bit.
Three days later. I carefully removed it then artfully carved a lockpick out of it. When I was caught a week later in Florida, I refused to tell them how I’d escaped. The sheriff who drove me back to prison told me I had balls.
If only he knew the truth.
Above the law? I’m 5’3” tall, I’m barely above the counter.
Hunter Biden implies the existence of Gatherer Biden
Flex on your dentist by asking if they’re free on a random Tuesday 6 months from now
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Imagine falling in love with me then finding out I’m a slow walker
A refund is not enough, I need to be able to block restaurants on DoorDash.
Scientists discover surface of Mars boring af
Dear people who think every tweet is a “subtweet” about you,
IT’S NOT.
except for that one from earlier
maybe?
Regards,
Ry
When you accidentally say french kiss instead of chef’s kiss to the server and now you can never show your face in that restaurant again.
sailors wish they could swear like me
aiming to be more of a grinch this christmas (exclusively hanging out with my dog and complaining when the neighbors get too loud)
My exorcist thinks we should see other demons
Not looking for a sugar daddy, but something more of a pay pal.
Me: *sits down near my cat*
My cat: That reminds me, I need to bathe loudly.
