I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.
I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”
I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.
That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test
“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣
Which is it, brain?
Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything
Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?
they should schedule doctor appts like
DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40
i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue
The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.
My age is news to me every single time I remember
Every single bad day happened because I woke up
Me: It’s time to get ready for school.
Kid: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!?
Me: Dude, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. You’ve been doing this every day for 10 years now.
[6 hours later]
Kid: What are we having for dinner?
Me: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!