I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.
If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.
Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins
Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work
*working in pediatric ER*
kid: *pointing* what are those wipes
me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊
kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them
kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor
Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors
I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together
My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed
No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.
Me: *opens my front door*
Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*
Me: What did you do at school today?
My kid: Nothing.
School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*
Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?
Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.