Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway
Lady in the park:
Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion
Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂
Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?
Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.
You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.
i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil
We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.
Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.
I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.
“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.
I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life
I love comics. Bank robbers will wear a full ski mask, but super heroes will wear a tiny domino mask that barely covers any of their face.
“If crooks discover my identity, they’ll kill me or kidnap my family. I have an idea! I’ll hide the bridge of my nose with this pore strip!”
*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*
7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?
Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon
12: You’re almost half a century old.
Me: Go to your room.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
