My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.
I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.
Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: god created amnesia bc of you
The manager at the karaoke bar said I’m allowed to sing ‘SexyBack’ by Justin Timberlake but only if I remain perfectly still while doing so.
My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today
Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”
Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.
I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what
Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.
I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.