Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.
The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)
we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”
People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old
The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?
Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?
Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.
My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.
I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.
If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.
Me: Do you have a Summer menu?
Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.
Me:
Her: So, what are we thinking?
Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”
Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy
Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.