In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?
gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”
omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo
My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.
If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge
The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding
me: can you empty the dishwasher please
9: what? What do you mean?
me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?
r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”
Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?
I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”
If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many
A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.