Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.
Girl wake up, you’re drunk
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.
Computer: *Crashes
Me: *Opens document
Word: You’re not gonna believe this…
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.
I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.
girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.
Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive
Henry: mom did you know that criminals can go to heaven?
Me: yes like if they believe in Jesus and ask him for forgiveness?
Henry: no like if they break in
It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand
My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying
the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.
Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.
He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.