My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.
My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.
Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ
Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important
The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.
There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist
It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread
I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.
We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.
I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale
Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down
I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more
My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.
If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.
Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”
my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.