If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.
My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing
Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.
Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*
me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?
dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling
When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge
termites walking up to the ark: two please
noah: any dietary restrictions?
termite: yeah we only eat woo—
noah:
termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool
noah:
termites:
noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.
Girl wake up, you’re drunk
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.
Computer: *Crashes
Me: *Opens document
Word: You’re not gonna believe this…
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.
I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.
