9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday
Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?
She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”
Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”
Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being
Just paid £200 for a train ticket. If the inspector doesn’t turn up, I’m going looking for him.
“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me
I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.
She said yes.
Part ways through the first episode she asks:
“I wonder when we meet Evan.”
I asked, who?
She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”
Batman: I’m afraid of bats
Superman: I’m afraid of soup
I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye
love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard
My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.
Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.
My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better
Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts