Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.