Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.