My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.
discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me
soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.
prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago
I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3
My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now
I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.
wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker
I need to sieze this.
I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.
Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do
my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*
Seven wives and no alcohol?
No thanks Mormons.