Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr â[trampled by herd of bison]
I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.
Optimist: The glass is œ full.
Pessimist: The glass is œ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd
Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.
everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy đ
My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
milne: itâs stuffed animals, but theyâre so f**king dumb
publisher: what?
milne: the tiger canât spell
publisher: no
milne: the bear wonât wear pants
publisher: *getting up* this is terrible
milne: thereâs a depressed donkey
publisher: *sitting back down* âŠhow depressed?
the question âhow is workâ really pisses me offđ. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say
I get it laundry no one is doing me either
This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*[cries for 20 minutes]
Me: Whatâs the opposite of squaring a number?
My teen: Circling?
Ask a stupid math question
I have half a mind toâŠ
Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the âtoâŠâ
A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.