Me: Do you have a Summer menu?
Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.
Me:
Her: So, what are we thinking?
Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”
Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy
Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber
My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.
paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember
me: the question you just asked
Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick
the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder
Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor
I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysittingforgive me
they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all
We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.
We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!
The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today
My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.