My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80
Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me
I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”
I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.
I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”
Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?
I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about
After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Them: There are no stupid questions
Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?
Them: There is one stupid question
My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”
I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.
It cost me an arm and a leg!