Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”
I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?
The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing
How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking
I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.
My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do
Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only
Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭
not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout
Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids
Boss: How was vacation?
Me: Better than this.