I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”
If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many
A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.
cop: you’re under arrest
me: you’re under arrest
cop: what
me: get in the car
cop: yours or mine
me: yours
Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.
I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.
lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw
Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.
“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.
Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.
[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien
cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray
Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.