Me: This is the worst day of my life.
Her: Really?
Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶
Me: “Agree to disagree.”
Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.
i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates
I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.
getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony
Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.
Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.
Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.
trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls
me: more teeth
dentist: what
me: *recording video* no skimping now
A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.
Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”
Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”
Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.
tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.
I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”