WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.
Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]
I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd
Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.
everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓
My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb
publisher: what?
milne: the tiger can’t spell
publisher: no
milne: the bear won’t wear pants
publisher: *getting up* this is terrible
milne: there’s a depressed donkey
publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?
the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say
I get it laundry no one is doing me either
This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*[cries for 20 minutes]
Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?
My teen: Circling?
Ask a stupid math question
I have half a mind to…
Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”