I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot
Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”
There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum
An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.
One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.
why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts
you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun
Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..
Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies
Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.
Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*
Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar
You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.
Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session
i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash
My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.