You’d be amazed at the number of people that like Piña Coladas and getting caught in the rain who also have a suspended drivers license.
My doctor didn’t finish at the top of her class, but she assures me she copied off the person who did.
Living every minute with impostor syndrome anxiety, dreading the day the other librarians discover I don’t have any cats or any cardigans.
No I’m not feeling old when the first member of my son’s varsity football team from hs is getting married tonight.
Not feeling old AT ALL!
Why did the dragon cross the road, ….to go buy a lair freshener🌲
I’d like to have a word with the groundhog before he starts on his bullshit this year.
“Bartender, there’s a hair on my ice cube!”
“You should have asked for shaved ice.”
I am a man, a man with a cold, so I guess this is goodbye.
I bought my wife a fridge for Christmas.
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
According to WebMD, caffeine deficiency is a life threatening condition for people around you.
founder of costco: [drunk as hell] it’s gonna have hot dogs and optometrists
my facial care routine has some really good, expensive products that my dog licks off right after
I love being outside, just not when it’s too cold or too hot or too wet or too windy or if there are bugs
A REAL smart phone would know when to shut up.
Me: I wish something of mine would go viral.
*youngest comes home from school with the flu*
Me: Not like that.