Schools be like there’s not enough shit at the end of the year can you also get your kid a white elephant gift for a class party tomorrow?
Scientists have proven that combination locks are a lot harder to open when you have to pee.
does anyone know a car vet, my neighbor’s antler fell off
[McDonald’s interview]
Interviewer: what if someone asks for ice cream when the machine IS working
Me: *roundhouse kicks the ice cream machine*
Sorry it’s out of order
Interviewer: when can you start?
This publishing job says applicants must currently live in Illinois, but then relocate to Michigan. WTF? Why??
one time in med school I lost my pokemon coffee thermos in the hospital so I retraced my steps but couldn’t find it and I got sad so I went to the cafeteria for a cookie and the clerk was like “haha I like ur thermos” and I looked down and guess what I was holding the entire time
My yoga instructor: Do what feels good. Listen to your body.
My body: I want donuts.
Ok in hindsight “bite me” was a terrible safe word choice
Walmart is crazy like why did I have a polite conversation with a stranger about mustard
Someone told me they had beef with me and I got pissed off that it wasn’t a brisket
Male response to “How’s it going” severity scale
Pretty good – Not good
Can’t complain – Rough couple of weeks
It’s going – Alcohol and cigarettes are keeping him going
Just another day in paradise – Hates his job, wife and life
Things couldn’t be better – Going to park on the train tracks
I’m not too proud to admit I’ve slept my way to the bottom.
Building contractors don’t want your help, Annie, even when you offer them your Altoids tin full of brads.
me: i’ve been flirting with this guy for weeks and he doesn’t know i’m alive
friend: flirting how?
me: i retweeted him two times what do i have to do…throw myself at him??
in the 9th grade, everyone dressed up as a hero, but i didn’t. a guy i liked asked me what I was dressed as, and i said i’m dressed as your girlfriend. he skipped the next 2 days
i just want to say sorry you failed your algebra test brad but i’m still dressed as your girlfriend