“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time
Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.
stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”
I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.
baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes
Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol
There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”
Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.
My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job
Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.
Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?
Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.
Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!
Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have
Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!
“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do
coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird