In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.
Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”
don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.
“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit
I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…
Class: you want us to what
Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy
when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of
So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.
Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.
Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.
Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.
I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me
Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.