Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”
There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum
An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.
One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.
why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts
you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun
Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..
Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies
Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.
Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*
Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar
You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.
Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session
i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash
My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.
Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.