me: hi do you take walk ins?
funeral parlor director: what?
The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.
I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.
My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience
Stop making me make accounts. A lightbulb that changes colors shouldn’t require an account. A TV speaker shouldn’t require an account.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?
Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.
Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?
Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars
people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn
it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.
staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house