I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me
Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.
Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head
The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.
As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.
i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.
Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“We really must stop meeting like this!”
I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.
Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.
Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”
don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.
“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit
I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…