A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.
My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.
I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.
If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.
Me: Do you have a Summer menu?
Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.
Me:
Her: So, what are we thinking?
Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”
Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy
Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber
My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.
paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember
me: the question you just asked
Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick
the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder
Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor