I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter
asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.
Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.
My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .
Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial
please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water
My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.
Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”
boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon
[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here
I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“
My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE
The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar