no one:
not a soul:
my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us
I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊
Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?
I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.
Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.
Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?
Her: No, thanks.
Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?
Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.
Me:🤦🏻♂️
Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.
My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.
Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo
my wife: the baby’s crying
me: as he should be. it’s upsetting
We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.
I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat
All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything
me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash
date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders
“Cows kill more people than sharks.”
“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”