ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants
Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.
Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa
every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried
If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office
Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.
“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either
a space alien in another galaxy opens a mysterious letter from the earth. as soon as he opens it a bunch of glitter falls out onto the floor. he slowly looks over at his friend, “okay, i’ve had enough of this. get into your spaceship & go destroy that planet.”
Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people
just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do
In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.