my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”
anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine
How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence
There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.
I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .
Well… I can’t see that taking off…
My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.
Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.
I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Im on the metro and a guy just went “wow!!!” real loud and i assumed it was about the trump verdict but he’s actually just looking at pictures of pandas
Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!
can of beans: never!
(whirring noises)
Judge: Let’s start the spelling bee. Your word is “mitosis.”
Student: Would you use it in a sentence?
Judge: “When my sister asked if any part of my foot hurt, I said mitosis.”
