Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.
Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*
Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar
You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.
Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session
i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash
My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.
Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.
‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.
those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks
When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.
Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank
me: do you think he’ll ever walk again
wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes
It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.
Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.
One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.