Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.