“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.