When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill