I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep