[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate