teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.