The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.
Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.
There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.
please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context
My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training
Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that
If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐
I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash
Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.
I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.
I’ve started doing my makeup before getting dressed in the morning because, if we’re running late, my husband may argue I don’t need makeup, but will never argue that I don’t need clothes.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs
