Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.
my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her
This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down
Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?
Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?
Son: yes
Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire
Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.
I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.
I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.
Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep
Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.
I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.
I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.
7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards
If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.
WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket
MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…
{4 way stop}
Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet