Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]