My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.