Why did the dragon cross the road, ….to go buy a lair freshener🌲
I’d like to have a word with the groundhog before he starts on his bullshit this year.
“Bartender, there’s a hair on my ice cube!”
“You should have asked for shaved ice.”
I am a man, a man with a cold, so I guess this is goodbye.
I bought my wife a fridge for Christmas.
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
According to WebMD, caffeine deficiency is a life threatening condition for people around you.
founder of costco: [drunk as hell] it’s gonna have hot dogs and optometrists
my facial care routine has some really good, expensive products that my dog licks off right after
I love being outside, just not when it’s too cold or too hot or too wet or too windy or if there are bugs
A REAL smart phone would know when to shut up.
Me: I wish something of mine would go viral.
*youngest comes home from school with the flu*
Me: Not like that.
sorry I’m late, my dog was sleeping in the shape of a donut and I had to take 175 photos
Me: The 100th day of school is coming up so you have to dress like you’re 100.
Daughter: Ok. Do you mind if I borrow something?
Old MacDonald was holding his calculator upside-down, 01313.
the person at my job who can decide if im fired: “yeah so celebrities actually go to a secret starbucks underground in a series of tunnels to get their coffee”